Sometimes I feel so helpless, seeing the way you torture yourself. I wish I can just say this to you in your face but you wouldn't listen. None of our words ever make it through your brain.
You say you feel unwanted, everybody hates you. No one has lived their lives without feeling that before. I myself, feel that now and then. It's like I have to make my presence known before anyone acknowledges me, even with my closest friends. No matter what, a relationship is two-way. Learn to think for people before expecting others to think for you. People want to value you. But how do you expect people to do so if you don't value yourself and do what's best for your life?
Sometimes, seeing the way you heap expectations on yourself reminds me of me, and painfully so. I breakdown and brawl at failures, whining about how unfair it is that other people get everything they want at the snap of their fingers while I have to struggle through with no results. Fact is that the process of learning and picking yourself up is more valuable than the result. Easy results deny one of any learning process that makes up valuable life experiences. Sure, it's easy for me to say this now. It's not going to make life easier to go through, but if you look at it from this perspective, if you value life more than just your results, you will appreciate your hardship more.
Do I still struggle with this myself? Of course I am. People around me are getting freelance job offers. I have none, and therefore I'm working full-time which is the bane of my creative existence. I whine and complain about people getting everything they want without needing to put any effort. But in the end, life is not about all these achievements and possessions. Life is not about you. You exist for the people around you. How many times have you cared for someone close to you? Or do you carry the mentality that people should live for you?
Inevitably, we like to compare ourselves with others. But in reality, there is absolutely no basis for comparison. Because first, we are all made unique and special, created in the image of God. There is no one like me on earth and there is definitely no one like you. Therefore, why try to live in the shadow of another person, trying to achieve the exact things the other person has achieved? Why not live your life to the best of your ability where you are now instead of living someone else's life? You are way more accomplished than what you think you are.
I don't think I can go on anymore because I myself don't fully practice all that I've said above. I struggle with the same thing and that qualifies me as someone who understands what you are going through. If only you will listen to me because at the end of it all, the only person who can help you break out of this is yourself. I can go on forever about how you're killing yourself but if you choose to let those lies in your head rule your thoughts, no amount of words I say will change anything in you.
I worry constantly for you because I see how much of a wreck you've reduced yourself into. I can't talk to you because I get frustrated when you refuse to listen. You keep saying you want to quit, quit school first and then maybe quit life. Why? Why must you do that to yourself?
I can only pray for you. I wish I could tell you that Jesus cares and He knows what it's like to be lonely. But if only you'll listen...
