For the past many days, I've lived in utter disappointment, just being over-sensitive to any event that rings negative to me. Been disappointed for a while that neither Blue Tide nor my role in Hentak Kaki is being chosen to compete in the Singapore Short Film Awards. Today I got reminded of the awards and that upset me quite a bit. I remember I used to say that awards and whatever earthly gain film could bring you are pretty much nothing and short-lived. Turns out that awards do go a long way.
Remembered my quiet time last Sunday too that challenged me to be a "doormat". Basically, "it is one thing to follow God's way of service if you are regarded as a hero, but quite another thing if the road marked out for you by God requires becoming a 'doormat' under other people's feet." That is so true. Service is so easy if you're regarded as a hero but extremely hard if no one seem to care, let alone step over your head to get higher. I definitely don't feel heroic at all, in fact, it is being left out, left behind, lousy, dejected, far from joy. Then the challenge question came. "Are you ready to be sacrificed like that? Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket - to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think of those u served?"
Somehow I feel like God is saying, "Nah. You're not gonna get a single award. Its the people whom you serve that'll get it." I feel really disappointed and at the same time resigned somehow. Because I don't find myself facing any light at the end of the tunnel. I should stop hoping and forget something that's never going to happen. I feel lonely, left-out or under-achieved in the midst of the award winners and nominees. Rather be by myself.
