These days I'm at risk of losing my sanity. My mental, emotional, spiritual and even physical health are on the line. Weighing reasons why I should stay and why I shouldn't, it's only logical that I hand my resignation letter the next moment I step into my office.
I don't think I meet my boss's expectations, and like what most of my colleagues claim, my boss is never satisfied with anything. I feel the pressure to perform. What's worse, I have to find out that the turnover rate for my position is horrendous. I am expected to place clients above God.
Presently, while on the verge of giving up, I did a study on conforming to the world in Daniel. And in BSF, we did a study on Romans 12:1-2 this week. As a Christian, I should not adhere to the pattern of this world but keep my life in line with God's will; his good, pleasing and perfect will. And if this makes the sole reason for me to stay where I am, it outweighs all my reasons for leaving combined. For it is my desire to please God and not man.
It is true that I've never been so distressed and upset about work, of all things. Right now, I am confident that my all-knowing God is conscious of my trial. Nevertheless, I appreciate prayers for me while I walk through this tunnel.
A hymn that ministered greatly:
Take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days; let them flow in ceaseless praise,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands, and let them move at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet, and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee,
swift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee,
filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose,
every power as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will, and make it Thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own; it shall be Thy royal throne,
it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at Thy feet its treasure store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for Thee,
ever, only, all for Thee.
Muddled and unclear, conforming to the pattern of this world is the last thing I want to do now. But I have my confidence placed in God and not in me.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Looking back, I remember those moments good and bad. The things we did that said a thousand I love yous.
And for that brief moment I thought I had lost you. I still can't figure the thoughts in my head, the reasons for this. Was it something I had done? Was there a change of heart? Are we destined by God to be just friends to lovers and then back to friends again?
I know if we stand this trial today, we can stand many others. If God is with us, who can be against us?
I remember that moment when we committed ourselves to this. Till today, the only thing I'm still afraid of is my inadequacy.
And for that brief moment I thought I had lost you. I still can't figure the thoughts in my head, the reasons for this. Was it something I had done? Was there a change of heart? Are we destined by God to be just friends to lovers and then back to friends again?
I know if we stand this trial today, we can stand many others. If God is with us, who can be against us?
I remember that moment when we committed ourselves to this. Till today, the only thing I'm still afraid of is my inadequacy.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Hurt.
Now I know how it feels like to be on the receiving end. Sometimes it pays to be honest but mostly, it doesn't. I for one, am someone who doesn't have the habit of keeping things to myself.
Was it wrong of me to have been honest about that insecurity, that competence I felt lacking to be what I should have been.
Well, firstly, I will not deny that I was childish and rash. But perhaps, considering the past experiences I've had with comparison issues, you might like to understand that I have an acute fear of comparison. You see, I have been brought up to think that I am simply inferior. Through my teenage years, I carry the mentality of an inferior person, seemingly unable to meet the standards of almost anyone.
So if that doesn't justify the doubts I have about myself, I don't know what will. I have no intention of giving up, therefore I was honest. If I wanted to up and run, I would have done so without anyone's knowledge. But some moments are hard to get through when you wrestle with the thought that someone out there is better.
I did not throw a tantrum. But if truth hurts, it just exudes it's bitterness and I can't have control over it. And just because one is hurt at what I say, it doesn't mean I had just deliberately threw a tantrum to hurt that person.
I know trials come to make us stronger and sufferings to build faith. But pointing the finger at me and chiding me to grow up isn't going to help. As much as I will understand the feelings of others, I will expect others to do the same.
Again. I am not some brat who throws a tantrum for fun.
Now I know how it feels like to be on the receiving end. Sometimes it pays to be honest but mostly, it doesn't. I for one, am someone who doesn't have the habit of keeping things to myself.
Was it wrong of me to have been honest about that insecurity, that competence I felt lacking to be what I should have been.
Well, firstly, I will not deny that I was childish and rash. But perhaps, considering the past experiences I've had with comparison issues, you might like to understand that I have an acute fear of comparison. You see, I have been brought up to think that I am simply inferior. Through my teenage years, I carry the mentality of an inferior person, seemingly unable to meet the standards of almost anyone.
So if that doesn't justify the doubts I have about myself, I don't know what will. I have no intention of giving up, therefore I was honest. If I wanted to up and run, I would have done so without anyone's knowledge. But some moments are hard to get through when you wrestle with the thought that someone out there is better.
I did not throw a tantrum. But if truth hurts, it just exudes it's bitterness and I can't have control over it. And just because one is hurt at what I say, it doesn't mean I had just deliberately threw a tantrum to hurt that person.
I know trials come to make us stronger and sufferings to build faith. But pointing the finger at me and chiding me to grow up isn't going to help. As much as I will understand the feelings of others, I will expect others to do the same.
Again. I am not some brat who throws a tantrum for fun.
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