Goodbye till we meet

Yesterday morning, we collected grandpa's remains and went off Changi to give him a sea burial. I thought last Saturday's cremation was tough. This is worse. As we lowered the immaculately wrapped remains into the sea and watched it float, I was heart-broken.

These few days, I lived with a sort of emptiness. A large part of the house is gone. The presence and the companion is no longer with us. His room is next to mine and whenever I walk into it, I could picture grandpa sitting on his chair reading or lying on his bed for a nap. I saw his belongings on the bedside table. His toothbrush, his comb, his spectacles and his bible. Everything is as it is but grandpa is not around anymore.

But God has been steadfast in comforting me and reminding me of the eternal life grandpa is enjoying now.

John 14:2-3
In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

John 11:25
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies;

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Grandpa has ran the race and received his trophy. His dwelling is now in heaven where there is no pain, no sorrow, no sadness, no tears. There is only joy and gladness and worship of God. That's where I want to go. Till we meet again, grandpa.

A new beginning

Last night grandpa collapsed. When I heard it, I thought I was going to collapse too. But doctors managed to revive him and he lived. But at 3am, the hospital called to say he's very weak, that his pulse is slow. I knew then, his time left was little.

Just a little while ago, at the dawn of a new day, grandpa went home to be with the Lord.

A time to grieve?

It's over a month since I last blogged, over a month since I even saw my blog. Yes it has been a bit hellish trying to cope with school, work and a mountain-load of other commitments which I haven't been fulfilling well. Let's just say I'm human.

Grandpa is very ill in hospital. Over the last few months, he has been suffering the effects of renal failure. He was hospitalised and discharged, well but still weak. Then he lost his appetite totally. He refused to eat and became weaker. 2 weeks ago, he starting bleeding somewhere in his digestive tract, so we had him sent back to the hospital. Then everything started falling apart. He was diagnosed with TB, now he has lung infection and his kidneys are threatening to shut down. His blood pressure dropped tremendously and doesn't seem to be coming back up.

It hurts to see a loved one in bed with tubes and machines around him, and to see him clinging on to life, trying to hold on to it but losing grip, or trying to let it go but it wouldn't leave just yet.

This evening, he was transferred to the ICU. At first he was in the normal ward. After he was diagnosed with TB, they isolated him. Now he's going a step further into the ICU. Tonight, he will be going through dialysis. The doctors said it's a simple procedure but due to my grandpa's low blood pressure and weak body, the risk of heart attack and passing away is much higher. I fear for his life.

I prayed but I dare not ask God to bring him back home to us. I had thought then when he was sent back to hospital the second time that he may never return. Now, it takes a miracle to bring him back, a miracle I dare not ask for. I can only beg God to give him joy even as he suffers now. I know that little hymn the folks like to sing in Hokkien which says "take my hand and lead me". I know God is leading him.

I love you grandpa.